Tuesday, September 28, 2010



Had to be the most difficult year for me. No one truely knows how I was ready to throw in the towel and quite. No need to further explain when you catch my drift. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, got real sick, in and out of the hospital, wearing a leg brace, got into he said she said BS at my job then the people I thought were cool now just give me dirty looks when they don't even know me, my friend died 2 weeks before my birthday, my baby cousin died shortly after....it just continued. My feelings were toyed with by this one guy who I really cared for. Nothing seemed to be going right at all, nothing.

I was at the lowest point of my life. I was miserable, unhappy and could not even shed tears anymore. I felt uterly alone and hallow. As if there were no more life left in me. I was a walking soul-less body. No light in my eyes, no feeling in my smile. But I had to ply it off. I had to make everyone think that I was okay. Faking the Funk as you would say. Did that make anything better? HELL NO! It just made it worst because then I just started to lose myself. I could not even look at myself in the mirror with out wanting to scream, curse and break it.

I did not speak of my trials with details, but just said things were no going well. Never did I give intricate details until now. There is something about writing instead of speaking. When I write my soul seems to just pour out. My mind, my heart, my emotions and my fingers are in sync with one another. So I took comort in my writing.

At some point I became extremely paranoid and delusional. I felt that everyone around me was speaking bad about me behind my back, people were out to get me, people wanted me GONE. It was a warzone in my mind. A batte I almost lost for good.

I had to snap out of it. This was crazy, this was insane. THIS WAS NOT WHO I WAS. I trusted in God to get me through this ordeal and leaned on family and close friends.  Words can not express how thankful I am. It is because of that and my children at work that I got past this. My nephew I did not want to leave him without an aunt and have my family tell him stories of when I was alive. No I wanted to be there and see him grow I wanted to see my friends and family grow.

This was all works of the Devil. This is what he sets out to do. To steal your glory , claim your victory and make you HIS. He delights in our suffering and pain. And everytime we speak on it everytime we act on it and say we give up, we lose and the Devil is shouting joy. That is what he wants. He lurks in the dark waiting for us to turn our backs on God. He is waiting till we start removing our full armor of God. Where we become vulnerable to spiritual attack. That is what he does he waits. And he will stir up trouble in ur lives and in the lives of those around us.

Oh no I could not have that. But guess what , I WON! I am aive and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I love God and love every second of my life. It may not be perfect and at times I do get down but I dont give in no, no , no. I choose to fight to the finish. Fight till I have no breath left in me and till the day I am called home.

And as a survivor of my past a painful childhood and adulthood I urge you to do the same. To stand up and FIGHT! You fight for your life, your family, your household, your job, your income, your future, your marriage, your children, your sanity, your health....whatever it is you stand up you look the enemy in the eye and you FIGHT!

1 comment:

angelique said...

very courageous of you to share your experience...powerful stuff