Tuesday, September 28, 2010

LONGING.



I LONG FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS *DEEP SIGH*

BEFORE x AFTER

THIS IS ME BEFORE...
THIS IS ME AFTER...


SENTIMENTAL TRINKETS







MIGHTY WARRIOR.

WARRIOR WOMEN OF GOD




Had to be the most difficult year for me. No one truely knows how I was ready to throw in the towel and quite. No need to further explain when you catch my drift. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease, got real sick, in and out of the hospital, wearing a leg brace, got into he said she said BS at my job then the people I thought were cool now just give me dirty looks when they don't even know me, my friend died 2 weeks before my birthday, my baby cousin died shortly after....it just continued. My feelings were toyed with by this one guy who I really cared for. Nothing seemed to be going right at all, nothing.

I was at the lowest point of my life. I was miserable, unhappy and could not even shed tears anymore. I felt uterly alone and hallow. As if there were no more life left in me. I was a walking soul-less body. No light in my eyes, no feeling in my smile. But I had to ply it off. I had to make everyone think that I was okay. Faking the Funk as you would say. Did that make anything better? HELL NO! It just made it worst because then I just started to lose myself. I could not even look at myself in the mirror with out wanting to scream, curse and break it.

I did not speak of my trials with details, but just said things were no going well. Never did I give intricate details until now. There is something about writing instead of speaking. When I write my soul seems to just pour out. My mind, my heart, my emotions and my fingers are in sync with one another. So I took comort in my writing.

At some point I became extremely paranoid and delusional. I felt that everyone around me was speaking bad about me behind my back, people were out to get me, people wanted me GONE. It was a warzone in my mind. A batte I almost lost for good.

I had to snap out of it. This was crazy, this was insane. THIS WAS NOT WHO I WAS. I trusted in God to get me through this ordeal and leaned on family and close friends.  Words can not express how thankful I am. It is because of that and my children at work that I got past this. My nephew I did not want to leave him without an aunt and have my family tell him stories of when I was alive. No I wanted to be there and see him grow I wanted to see my friends and family grow.

This was all works of the Devil. This is what he sets out to do. To steal your glory , claim your victory and make you HIS. He delights in our suffering and pain. And everytime we speak on it everytime we act on it and say we give up, we lose and the Devil is shouting joy. That is what he wants. He lurks in the dark waiting for us to turn our backs on God. He is waiting till we start removing our full armor of God. Where we become vulnerable to spiritual attack. That is what he does he waits. And he will stir up trouble in ur lives and in the lives of those around us.

Oh no I could not have that. But guess what , I WON! I am aive and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I love God and love every second of my life. It may not be perfect and at times I do get down but I dont give in no, no , no. I choose to fight to the finish. Fight till I have no breath left in me and till the day I am called home.

And as a survivor of my past a painful childhood and adulthood I urge you to do the same. To stand up and FIGHT! You fight for your life, your family, your household, your job, your income, your future, your marriage, your children, your sanity, your health....whatever it is you stand up you look the enemy in the eye and you FIGHT!

Monday, September 27, 2010

BLACKSWAN



This looks so good. I love pyschological thrillers. It messes with your head making you question the reality of things. The mind is extremely powerful and is capable of just about anything. This just goes to show you what happens when someone is pushed to the edge. A person can only take so much pushng until either the fall off the edge or decide to push back.

CYNDY x CAMERA FUN

RANDOM PICTURES OF MYSELF...




WILLOW SMITH x RIHANNA



So Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith make magic babies. You have their son who was in The Karate Kid movie and now Willow here who kills it with her vocals and all at the age of 9. I adore this little girl and I love this song. Oh Yea I am guilty of having this on my iPOD x REPEAT. Starting at such a young age, is she the next Rihanna? I mean musically and vocally not appearence wise because RIHANNA went a little nutty in my opinion.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Lower East Side Chick
Raised in the projects
Surrounded by rejects
Hustling for their next dose
To forget about their tomorrows
Gun shots fill the halways
Mommy starts to pray
Pleading to papi to get us outta of this hell
Where the elevators were always broken
And wreaked of piss
So we fleed the hell hole
That I once called my home
To now reside in the coops
Where they didn't like the GHETTO
Religious Hassidic Orthadox Jews
Starring my family and I down
Not knowing what we just been through
Did they care everytime they stopped and snared
No just got called a spic and a ghetto child almost every day
They never held the doors for mommy and papi
While they struggled with their grocery bags
Coming home from a hard and long day
Had sleepless nights in this room
Where my mind played tricks on me
And the lies echoed off the walls filling my ears
Anger
Resentment
Depression
Opperession
Bitter
Insecure
Tired
Afraid
Unsure
Feelings a child my age should not
Have to endure
But temptation reeled me
And like a fish caught on a hook
I couldn't even swim
I was caught in the currents of life
Introduced to pain and strife
Touched without consention
Violated by society
Molested by generational curses
Abused by negativity
Robbing me of sleep.
My windpipes crushed
So I could no longer breath
Misjudged and ridiculed
Put down with words and was
Paid in full
I don't live in the hood
So why was I dealing with this?
Labeled as a misfit
Forced to grow up at a young age
Introduced to all this rage wishing I can just turn the page
It was not my parents fault
They loved me enough
They never gave up they showered me with love
But I was encanted by the world
And partook in its sinful pleasures
When my loved ones just wanted me to realize
That I was a treasure
4 Years, 4 Years, 4 Years it took
for the shit to hit the fan
Yea I was shook
So  look back at my past
Thinking I would not last
I turn my back now , turn it fast
Looking foward to my future
To the promises that lay ahead.
Everything God has promised me
And the comfort of words my parents said
I sing a new song because Im alive when i should of been dead.

State of Mind

For those who know me well enough you know that I stay up in the wee'hours of the night. I have insomnia. I think alot of artists suffer from insomnia. Our minds are always processing information and date, or we are just thinking, our brains are always wired.


So I have been thinking alot again [what else is new]. You know alot of times we place our-selves in the victims mentatility. We need to stop that. "Oh woe is me, feel bad for me, you don't know what I have been through, no one knows my pain" and the list goes on. But let me break it to you. Pay attention here is a friendly honest word of advice....Are you sure you are listening? *Ahem* Well here it goes......*whispers* You are not the only one. Yes....Yes I said it. Stop feeling sorry for your self, change your state of mind because you are not the only human on this planet battling storms. We all go through it. We all endure pain. We all feel weak at points. But you , we are not the only ones. Name one individual who has not been through what you have. You are bound to find one person who has. So stop. Stop the self pity. Change that state of mind. The change starts from with-in you. No one likes the company of a DEBBIE DOWNER. We focus too much on our past and the hurt that occured. It happened in the past as it should remain in the past. Focus on your todays because we need to live in the NOW, tomorrow is not promised.

How can we ever expect to be happy if we are always prophecying our own dooms. Prophecying that we will never find true happiness. And that is the thing you CANT look for happiness or love. It will happen on its own timing. When you force things to happen is when it usually backfires on you. How can you even make anyone else happy with that negative state of mind you are in? Change it. You will never be happy if you can't find peace and happiness within yourself. The relationship you have with yourself [besides God for me] is the most important relationship that you should always continuing working on. Love thyself first.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Fight to the Finish!

I am a warrior , fierce and mighty. With my sword of truth raised up high in my hand I march foward towards the devastations of the world. With courage in my eyes I do not bow down to fear. But stand firm in my Gods word. Planted thoroughly in his promises. The Prince of the Air who reigns in his kingdom of lies sets out with his army of fallen angels to reak havoc in the kingdom of heaven. But little does he know his fate that lies ahead. This Prince of Darkness shall fall and Gods children will stand victorious. Satan hear our war cry, princes and princess's of the almighty King cry Victory in our Lords name. We fight, we fight, we fight to the finish! Devil you have lost and we have won. I am a warrior fighting in the Army of God.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

VLOG :LIST OF THINGS I'D LIKE TO DO

STREETSTARS x DON HILLS

I was invited to this event. And look foward to attending many more. Here are some pictures and videos of STREETSTARS performing along with people I attended this event with.










Sunday, September 5, 2010

Friday Night Crazyness w/Friends

Revolution Ladies x Makeup

                                                          The Ice Queen






  • I did a look based off Queen Frostine from Candyland. I have been inspired by the board game itself because of its whimsical theme and vibrant colors.
  • I wanted to give the model [Amanda] a cold look.
  • Making her skin look pale as if she has been out in the cold, with a purplish/pinkinsh high light on he cheekbones.
  • I added blue to her lips and to her eyes.
  • I used my 88 pallatte usin all the lightest blue colors and adding black to the outer V and blending it into the crease.
  • I then darkened her eyebrows to give it more definition.
  • When you take photos the flash seems to eiminate eyebrows so it is important to darken them and then blend it in with a small spooly brush.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

New addition to my tattoo's.

I love tattoo's. Everyone has an appreciate towards some version of art. I appreciat the art of tattoo'ing. I think it is beautiful and the work you see some artist do are just breathtaking. I know I am going to hear lectures but it is something I enjoy and love.
Tattoo was done by Revolvers Fresh. Check out his work here.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

When you become too involved.

Lately I have been reflecting on situations and on relationships I have with people. I have come to the realization that I as an invidiual can become too involved in a friend or family members issues. I am the type of person who is sympathetic towards others, when they hurt I hurt, when they are angry I am angry and I will do what I cant to help them.

But I find myself becoming too involved in their issues. Situations occur with them and it angers me and I feel the need to take matters into my own hands to defend my loved ones. Although it is beautiful to have such a large and caring heart that in turn can get you into trouble.

I have come to a point where I no longer wish to hear about peoples daily issues. If you continue to have the same issue and complain about the same thing maybe the issue is you. You sometimes have to step outside the box to get a better view of what is going on. I have given my all to people to only not be appreciated and cast to the side or to just have my thoughts and advice ignored. I can't always defend others. Sometimes people need to have things happen to them or get hurt in order for them to learn. Thats how I learned since I was so stubborn and hardheaded...not wanting to listen to anyone.

You can't those who don't want to be helped and you can't force others to listen to you.
They need to learn on their own. As for me, I have enough going on in my life now and I would prefer not to be everyones daily journal. As much as I appreciate people trusting me enough to confide in me I would prefer not to be brought into someones issues. It is better that way. Some may take offense and not like my decision but this time it is for MY own good. It's time to think about myself. Being extremely self-less you begin to forget your selfworth and your confidence starts to diminish.

-Cynthia

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